BULLYING: MY EXPERIENCE
I stared fixedly at the mirror. Eyes locked and gaze firm, my mind engrossed in whatever thought had for a known reason swallowed me.
At a first glance anyone who thinks that I was just another 16 years old, worried about looking pretty for the day
Oh, how wrong they were!
Even in my trance, I felt Tayo's eyes on me he was the only one that knew, the only one that understood.
I wasn't admiring my features, I wasn't checking for the best outfit or the perfect pose.
I was diligently looking for a flaw, something to criticize, maybe that pimple that made me look awkward, or was it the way I smiled?
No, it had to be the way walked, or was it just my existence that was the problem?
Now, all these assumptions were to answer one question, a question I asked myself ever since I walked through the doors of High school.
WHY ME?
What made me different? What flaw did I possess that was so disgusting? What sin did I commit that was so unforgivable, I couldn't remember engaging in blasphemy, so I just wanted God to answer me.
What one word had I said, that had cost me my peace of mind? What one action had I carried out, that had scarred me for life?
The thing about bullying is, you never really have proof, especially not when the whole class is against you.
The thing about bullying is, you can never really respond to non-verbal attacks that were 'not' aimed at you.
The thing about bullying is that you can never really think straight, so reporting or asking for help, would always seem like a difficult task at hand.
The one thing about bullying is that it eats you up from the inside, makes you question your existence, and doubt your worth. Like now.
“Bunmi” I heard Tayo speak, coming out of another trance I looked at him, at a first glance, you would see a tired boy, but when you LOOK CLOSER, you would see it, the dried tear tracks that even water could not wash away, the dark circle's insomnia called his way, and... And that dull look, that screamed what am i” and “why”
“it's not worth it” he whispered as he wiped my tears, oh...I had been crying. I chuckled sadly, before grabbing his wrist and exposing the long cuts that his black long sleeves hid.
“and this is?” it was then a tear fell down his cheeks, I closed my eyes as tears fell down my cheeks two.
“Bu-”
“We are pathetic aren't we?” I asked.
“It's been six years, six long years, and look, they say time heals your wounds but what about the wounds time inflict,” I said as I began to walk away.
Tayo, was my best friend, from another school, he went through physical bullying because he was black, yeah, he was based in America before, but after a suicide attempt.
His parents reconsidered.
Why parents?
Why do you only take us seriously when irreversible damage has been caused?
Why do you only take us seriously when our wings have been clipped and our dreams dead?
Why do you only take us seriously, when depression and suicidal thoughts, has sunk its fangs.
Are we supposed to slit our wrists before you realize we are slowly dying away?
Are we supposed to starve ourselves and succumb to anorexia, before you realize we have lost sight of originality
why can't you just look closer, look beyond that smile society forces your children to wear, no one thinks about suicide in one day, it about ending their freaking lives?
Do you think they don't wanna be happy? Do you think they don't wanna just worry about looking pretty and getting the best grades? Do you think they wanna worry about the objects getting thrown at them? Do you think they wanna worry about the whispers that were loud for only them to hear?
you think their dream is to feel choked and cornered to feel fear and disgust for themselves.
You think my dream was to stare at the mirror, watching my life and self-esteem, crumble down like a big farce, to not be able to recognize myself, to recognize the broken person I see in the mirror whenever my eyes glossed with tears?
it was not.
At age ten, I did not want to worry about rumors and someone trying to hurt me, while others were worrying about playing and having fun.
At age 12, did not want to be cooked up in my class, hunger and thirst a foreign feeling, for loneliness to be my only friend while echoes of laughter that I may never have rung through my ears.
At age 14, I did not want to be worried about how I walked, or how I looked or is I was getting fatter, or too thin, or if I was too strong or too weak
while they were bothered about puberty and getting boyfriends, I was worried about being accepted by a world that continually criticized me. I never felt those things
Crush, the joy of looking pretty in some random clothing, or wearing real smiles.
I'm sorry if this triggers you. But the world needs to know, they need to know, that life never asked what my age was when depression knocked at the door, life never asked about my mentality, when I swallowed pills for the first time.
so DO NOT tell me I am too young
While you were all enjoying your ten-year-old phase, my mentality was that of a sixteen-year-old.
DON'T tell me I am too young, that I do not know what I am saying
You did NOT feel the sharp pains in my chest whenever I passed the school gate, you never felt the anxiety I felt, and insecurity that constantly swallowed me whole whenever I was inside that classroom, don't tell me I don't know what it means to be worthless, you've never been empty inside, you've never been so uninterested in life, you've never questioned
WHO YOU ARE!
you've never Been Bullied.
Don't you dare pity me, pity that 45% of teenagers went through the same hell, but never lived to tell the tale.
In the end, I do not want your sympathy, they never wanted you to make them famous with your likes and comments after their death!
And Don't come at me with all shit about asking for help,
at age ten, I recall a TEACHER believing rumors!!!! And even calling me out for it, in the middle of an assembly, if I did not think I was a freak? It was that day I was certain.
she may not know what her words did. But it did a lot more than an apology can ever do.
At age 12, I was cooked up in my class, with my head down and reddened eyes, oh don't tell me you never noticed, don't you dare, don't tell me you never saw the emptiness in my eyes while I walked past you, don't tell me you never noticed those dark circles and how I drastically became thin.
I did a report I told someone! But they never BELIEVED!!! It was easier to turn a blind eye, that look into my dull ones.
I wanted to hate you, but I was born to spread love And happiness and not hate.
I reported. but you believed your perfect student's over me.
you questioned me! What would I have gained by lying? How much you pay? Would it increase my broken grades, would it have answered the questions that tormented me?
I told you I was broken that I needed help, that they were hurting me. And you told me In front of them, that we should Become friends? Was I a joke? Was my pain Running some circus, did I look like a clown with my reddened eyes? Did my dark circles make me look like a Halloween Custom?
Yes, I purposely stayed at home!
Someday I WASN'T Sick, but I WAS sick, I was sick of the whole torment of the torture and the pain, of being left out and the looks you all gave whenever my names were called
don't apologize or seek forgiveness from me, seek forgiveness from that 45% who never had failed suicide attempts.
I was scared, hurt, and scarred, and yes memories still haunt me.
yes, I still live with the pain.
But I've held my head up high, cause leaving was the best choice I had ever made in my life, choosing to walk away, gave me enough time to reevaluate myself. To see my worth, to meet people who acknowledged me and made me feel loved.
Now Listen carefully.
Bullying is an ongoing and deliberate misuse of power in relationships through repeated verbal, physical, and/or social behavior that intends to cause physical, social, and/or psychological harm.
one out of every 5 student REPORT getting bullied
the ages of reported cases vary from (12-18)
a higher percentage of males go through physical bullying while females are subject to non-verbal and rumors. (18 to 9)%
41% of students who REPORT bullying live in fear it may happen again.
of REPORTED cases 26% were subject to rumors, name-calling, and mean teasing.
remember these are the REPORTED cases
what about me? And the hundreds that were never strong enough to REPORT or REPORTED but never got help?
The symptoms of bullying include
Changes in sleep patterns
Changes in eating patterns
Frequent tears or anger
Mood swings
Feels ill in the morning
Becomes withdrawn or starts stammering
Becomes aggressive and unreasonable
Refuses to talk about what is wrong
Begins to target siblings
Continually 'loses' money or starts stealing.
Doesn't want to go to school
Changes their route to school or are frightened of walking to school
Doesn't want to go to school on the bus/tram/train
School grades begin to fall.
Often alone or excluded from friendship groups at school
A frequent target for teasing, mimicking, or ridicule at school
Unable to speak up in class and appears insecure or frightened.
ways to stop bullying:
Show immense love and affection, but do not make it too excessive, someone being bullied is insecure, they might think they are not worth the love
find out what is wrong
Continue asking, No matter what. There is a 90% possibility that the person wants to know how interested you are or how much you care.
Remember to always praise them and acknowledge their smallest achievements.
Make them feel Like they are not alone.
Remind Them they are Perfect Just the way they are
And to any bullied person out there.
You are who you are, a collective kind of unconquerable, strong, gifted, and Original, you are a warrior, fighting a battle that you can win!!!!
You are way better than their Minds can ever imagine, I don't know how you feel or how deep your scars run. But I know you can get past It, you can conquer it.
Your skin is not paper do not cut it
Your body is not a write up do not criticize It
Your smile is Not up for sale do not let Sell it to bullying.
Bullies are insecure people, who are frustrated and Cruel, they are a reflection of what They do.
Remember that, and keep your head up high. For this storm Will pass before you know it.❤
Fb: Oyindasola writes
Personal FB account:Oyindasola Asiwajudada
I come with a clear message.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!
❤❤❤❤
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