Loud Silence.
I was very young when I understood what sadism looked like. It would scribble on a white and black board dressed in business casual.
My ears were always perched for trigger factors. Toes curling and sweat dripping silently from my throbbing head. This was one of those days.
Days when I would be super conscious of everyone and everything. Questions would continuously pop up in my head and discredit any answer that wasn't going to push me to my limits.
“they are watching you.”
The voice had been low and casual. Maybe because I didn't need to look sideways to know who was speaking or probably because is as so stuck in my head I was already used to sound if my fears. Silently breathing down my very own neck.
Quickly, I adjusted my dress. the last thing I needed was to draw attention even though someone I always found my way back to it.
“All of them are dressed so well...how are you going to communicate with them now?"
I immediately glanced at the students behind me. They were laughing and having fun—
Were they laughing at me? What was funny? was I funny? Oh my, what have I done?!
I wiped off the invisible sweat that had begun to grow on my forehead as I ran down the hall away from them. Away from people.
“Sam!" I heard someone call out to me and I froze in the spot.
“My Royce said you should take this to her office,” A familiar voice said. I weakly turned and locked eyes with Ella. She was one of the prettiest girls in high school and was better at starting up conversations like me.
“um..okay sure” I whispered as I took the books and headed to the staff office.
I sucked in a deep breath as I opened the door. it was so loud.
”oh yes, bring it here" The woman dressed in black with blonde hair— my Royce spoke. I hurriedly passed her the textbooks.
Oh my. we are so close now.
why is she staring at me like that?
what is she looking at?
My hands instinctively went to my dress and I straightened it out. I was already tense.
“These aren't the right books." The woman said sadly. “How about you and tell Ella to give you the right books, okay"
No. it wasn't okay.
“Yes. that's fine.” I whispered. Allowing my blonde bangs to hit my face as I sloppily walked out of the room.
how exactly was I supposed to do this?
what was I thinking when I agreed to this?
I could have just said no!
yes, that's what I'm supposed to—
“Do you need something?” Ella asked. She was standing in the hallway, great. I could give her the books— She wasn't alone.
She was with other students and they were eyeing me down.
what were they staring at now?
I felt my palms get sweaty and I felt light-headed too. I sucked in a deep breath before I replied to her “U—Um miss Royce a—asked m—"
Why can't I form the right words?
They are giggling. I saw them giggle at me. What's funny?
“My Royce asked me to return the book and collect the correct ones.”
“oh! you should have asked then! I'm not with the correct ones, They are with miss Royce— Didn't you ask her which books she wanted?" Ella asked.
No, I didn't. I was so stuck in my anxiety that I couldn't
“uh yes... I mean no. I didn't ask.”
“I'll go get them for you.” Ella offered, As soon as she left I was alone with her friends. they weren't bullies just kids. Kids who had no clue how sensitive people could be. How sensitive I was.
“Sam! will you be able to attend Khloe's party tonight? it's gonna be lit!”
A party?
“No, thank you,” I whispered.
They seemed to do it effortlessly. communicate, talk. make friends
I couldn't even walk without thinking someone was looking at me the wrong way.
People say I am pretty but I'm not even sure I am alive. I have no faith in my life and I constantly worrying about every single thing.
I am not crazy. I am not insane.
I am not overreacting too. what I have is a disorder and it has a name.
My name is Samantha Dawn. I am a seventeen-year-old blonde American who suffers from Social anxiety disorder.
It affects every aspect of my life. From school to my part-time work to being at home.
I find it difficult to be in my element. Because I am scared to find out how people will react when they meet the real me.
when they realize how clumsy, weak, and chatty I am. How I can transition from being a loud person to a mute person. Just because someone else is in the room.
this isn't shyness. If it was, it wouldn't affect me like this.
We need to face it. Certain things that we normalize just because we do not understand them are not normal. We need to stop normalizing everything we cannot control or we will start being controlled by our ignorance.
I am due to see a psychologist this week. Hopefully, things will change for the better.
Social anxiety disorder sometimes referred to as social phobia, is a type of anxiety disorder that causes extreme fear in social settings. People with this disorder have trouble talking to people, meeting new people, and attending social gatherings. They fear being judged or scrutinized by others. They may understand that their fears are irrational or unreasonable, but feel powerless to overcome them.
Social anxiety is different from shyness. Shyness is usually short-term and doesn’t disrupt one’s life.
Social anxiety disorder (SAD) or social phobia is common in the general population, with a lifetime prevalence of 2–5% in adults. It presents as a fear of any situations in which interactions with other people are required. SAD is said to be the third most prevalent psychiatric disorder in the world.
The global prevalence of social anxiety was found to be significantly higher than previously reported, with more than 1 in 3 (36%) respondents meeting the threshold criteria for having Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD)
So that's a wrap. I'm so sorry for not being active for a while! I got so engrossed in work that I lost track of time but I am back! Oyin is here! So please tell a friend to tell a friend that social anxiety disorder is real and it's not just shyness!
Comments
Post a Comment